I’ve only once had a boyfriend at Christmastime…and we’d only been dating a few months by that time. He gave me the best gift that I think I have ever received. It was a journal that he’d been writing in for a month, telling me stories about himself, reacting to our times together, and sharing his life with me. I still grin when I think of the evening he gave it to me. We went out to dinner and a Christmas movie and exchanged gifts in the restaurant. I had gotten him a big, blue fuzzy blanket and felt bashful when I realized the gravity of his gift. He’d also made me a cd of songs that were about him, like the soundtrack to his life. I’ve wished every Christmas since that I was spending Christmas with him. This year is no exception. Even though we haven’t spoken in months, and he’s living 1500 miles away, I find myself pre-planning in my head how many days off I can take, when I could fly into his town… but those are the easy arrangements. I’d jump on a plane in a heartbeat to spend a day with him. The hard part is that he doesn’t want me near him. So I kindly remind myself of that and pray in earnest that since I can’t make his Christmas this year by being there, someone will.
I would have hoped to have learned something by this man’s gift. He gave me of himself. I can’t tell you how badly I wanted what he gave that year! I wanted to know everything about this man! He no longer wants to know anything about me. So, in a strange little twist of fate, I will give him my best gift this year. I will let him be. I will stop screaming at him that I love him, I will let him live his life and find someone that he loves. I will trust him. He gave me himself, and this year I can give him himself too, and stop clinging to the peices that I’ve stolen. *sigh* Doesn’t he deserve to be complete? =) It’s funny when the best thing that you can do for someone you love…is nothing.
So, Merry Christmas Brian. I’m quiet and still not because I’m angry, and not because my love for you is gone, but simply because it’s what you want most, and it’s the hardest, and most unselfish gift I could give. I wish you love and children, and joy….always. =)

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