I want to apoligize for anyone in my path lately…the students in my classroom, the guests who eat in my section, the other team members at Red Robin…
Tom marked my arm VOID the other night. How did he know? How did this happen? Within this year I have had several opportunities expire. Some were my own doing. I left a super wonderful job teaching art and stagecraft to the students at Mariner High School (go Mauraders!) in Mukilteo. I packed up most of what I owned and traveled to San Diego where, after a month of not being able to secure a job, I anxiously patched the situation by running home to Mom and Dad until I could get a job. *kicks self* actually, I did have a job offer, but I turned it down because it wasn’t enough to afford my lifestyle (my lifestyle being a large credit card debt hanging over my head!). So I’m here. Substituting when I get the call, and waiting tables at Red Robin. I thought that I could have something greater so I lept. And I fell. I fell back several years. *chuckles* Those are just circumstance. They are simply the avenues for expressing my grief. Really, I’m sad and gray and feeling this way because I’ve been shut outside by someone that I love very much. I lept for him and I fell. I failed. And nothing can make it better. It’s gray everywhere I see. I feel gray, I drink and pee and sleep gray. Thank goodness….my nature always retains a sliver of hope. These words just popped into my head from Chris Cornell’s Sunshower:

but it’s alright
when you’re all in pain
and you feel the rain come down
oh it’s alright
when you find your way, then you see it dissappear
oh, it’s alright
though your garden’s gray,
I know all your graces someday will flower
in the sweet sunshower

the song fades out to Chris singing: all you’ll be you are today

So- my ray of hope is called someday. I always tell myself that what i can do in situations where I feel powerless is work very hard. I am working very hard! I’m working hard to smile, to make money, to create, and to love…and I’m barely hanging on most of the time….but it’s alright… =)
know what would help? A hug from the best hugger in the world!!!! =)
night kids.
xoxoxox
elle

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