I’ve been neglecting my laundry; I have exactly two pairs of clean underwear left.
I’ve been neglecting my puppy; he’s been on only three brief walks in the past three days.
There are dishes in my sink that have been there for a week and I’ve been carrying around several letters that I keep intending to put into the mailbox.
I’ve been teaching. I’ve been subbing. I’ve been waiting tables. I’ve been leaving the apartment before 7am and not returning until after 9pm. I’ve thus been mostly preoccupied from the emotional events that have been transpiring. I hope that when they catch up with me they overtake me with flowing of a syrup river…and not the crashing of a tsunami wave. When faced with heartache in the past, I have felt suspended above it, as if I were a pear-halve preserved in sweet thick syrup. I prefer that to the times that I can remember heartache hijacking my mirth and planting a fake smile on my face that even complete strangers could detect.

Said emotional events:
Chris, a dear friend and affectionate stand-in, is moving away from San Diego on Sunday.
Brian, my on-again-off-again-ex-fiance-who-I-still-pine-over is moving to Texas sometime in the next month, and he is leaving unburdened by what I seem to have in spades: hope for the happy ending to our story.
The reason for many recent smiles and sighs of thanksgiving, a boy who I’ve recently been…umm…noticing, appears to be unavailable to me, despite flirtings to the contrary.
I’ve been called to be the Enrichment Counselor in the Relief Society Presidency of my singles ward… and while I don’t feel inadequate, I know that it’s going to be a challenge. It is a challenge that I asked for, however, since I’ve been praying about building and strengthening my connections to people. Careful kids, you get what you pray for. =)
My newest neice, Miriam, was born two weeks ago and am dying to meet her. (I also put a picture of my neices Kaitlyn and Samantha up on my fridge this week, and now everytime I get something to eat, my forehead gets all wrinkly and I say, “oh…I miss the girls!”) …..(thank goodness my sister is coming to visit me in about a week, my special supply of family love is running low since I haven’t seen a member of my family in about a month. =)
I’m increasingly worried about money. I’ve had this massive debt over my head for years and it’s not really getting smaller…in fact, it may be growing, but I am too afraid to calculate it. In tandem is the wonderful fact that my car is rattling and humming new tunes everyday and may break down at any stop sign or freeway exit. What an adventure.

One can only ache in heart insomuch as one has had joy in heart for that thing, so I am lucky to have love for Chris and Brian, for Mr. hello-i-might-be-perfect-for-you-
but-you-are-too-late-to-find-out, and my family. I am lucky to be challenged and feel both the thrill of success and the bitter determination to stand again after a failure. This is life, and as I become an adult (I still don’t think that I’m there yet), I’m finding such contentment with heartache and dissatisfaction and sometimes misery, because that means that I love strongly, that I have goals, desires and expectations, and that I take risks.

It’s all up to me, you know?
This weekend, I am looking forward to some well-deserved rest (that means more than 5 hours of sleep per night!), an enrichment night with the sweet sisters in my ward, and a rendez-vous with Nathan Ellis-Brown who’s band Minivan is taking LA by storm. =) Stay posted. Things could get even more emotional.

love all ya’ll!
elleayeyouareaye

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