I think way too much about what I write here. It is often why I don’t write. I’ve written in a book journal everyday since I was 13 and I never run out of interesting things to record there- so I know that my struggle with an online-out-there-for-anyone version is that I want people to think I’m cool. Don’t we all want people to think we’re cool? The problem with that is, at least for me, it gets in the way of what I really want, which generally has so little do to with being cool. I really do want to be authentic- it’s one of the reasons that I married my sweet Mr. Awesome. He is just about the most authentic person I know. He is who he is who is he, just like popeye. I had heard that you should marry someone that you would like to be like- so I did. I’m sure that it’s only a matter of time before I ride motorcycles and think that anything (and I mean anything) can be fixed using a dremel. Or, perhaps Garth will be the one saving every scrap of anything and making plans 15 years into the future, just like I do. We make a pretty great team.
I want to be exactly who I am and no one else. When I was single and living alone in San Diego (well, not alone, I had Bruno with me) it was very easy to do. It was easy because I knew who I was. I was the girl who loved Balboa Park and would take a walk there as often as I could just to walk the bridge. I was the girl who was working a gazillion hours to pay off debt and keep spinach in my fridge. Easy. Simple. Everything changes when a husband and a baby are added. I am still trying to figure out what kind of wife and mother I am, I suppose. It’s like being right back there in junior high, trying to learn the rules of fitting in and surviving. And being cool.
There are remnants of the single girl all over this house in physical form- jars of acrylic paint that haven’t been opened in 3 years, a set of vintage mail-order art course books purchased with the intention of completing them, a shabby collection of thrifted paint-by-number paintings. I see these things and sigh and wonder when I’ll have the time to be me again. Or when I’ll feel confortable with the changes. I feel like I’m always running behind schedule. A task that I allow 15 minutes for takes an hour. The one thing that I wrote down to do in my planner gets pushed back all day in favor of a loud 13 month old, and I’m too pooped to work on it after he goes to bed. And he totally doesn’t think I’m cool either.
I’m willing to let this be my life though because as is true with just about everything, it’s temporary. Jack will continue to inch his way from knee high to eye level and I’ll continue to rotate the too small clothes out of his dresser and the bigger ones in and eventually I will wonder where my little boy went and I will miss him. I guess this is my long rambling reminder of two things: be who you are/your best self/who you wanna be and relish this time because time keeps marching forward.
Oh, and to all of your readers out there, I promise to stop trying to be cool and just wear my faded cords and Dad’s old t-shirts like I did in high school.
ecks oh,
elle
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6 responses so far ↓
Blogs are a crazy thing that way, aren’t they? I do the same thing where I won’t write something because I think no one will really care to read it, and I have to remind myself often that I started my blog for myself to be able to remember details of life right now, and not necessarily for anyone else.
I never think you’re not authentic on here, everything you post makes me think of the Laura I remember way back, from girl scouts, to always seeing you when you worked at Red Robin.
But I love this post as a reminder to myself too to make sure and be me, and yes definitely, to relish this time, with my obnoxious little boys and all, because waaay too quickly they won’t want to build forts out of all my couch cushions, or take Mater blanket everywhere we go, or think it’s the funnest thing in the world to run around the house in nothing but a super cape.
So anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts, I needed to hear them today.
I heart you and your coolness.
I like the authentic elle very best. You are the best best friend I have had in a very long time. I LOVE YOU.
I remember feeling that way for a while after I started being a Mom. Like, “How do I be me, when I have to spend all my time helping my kids be Them?”
I don’t want to freak you out, but I didn’t figure it out at all until my oldest was 3. And even now, though I feel like I’m really getting the hang of mommying, as well as being myself, so often the two are in conflict with each other.
In any case, I could have written this, in fact I probably did in my own words. It is nice to know I’m not alone, and neither are you.
I love you just the way you are cords and all. All you have to be is yourself and don’t worry about what you blog I love reading about you when you are just being you. I think you are awesome!!
laura!
yes being a mama is definatly a balancing act! especaily when u have projects waiting to be worked on or finished 
writing exactly what u r thinking or feeling or just being yourself can be a little scary. but u r one of the most amazing people that i know! 
so i don’t know what i’m trying to say… 
i guess that i look forward to seeing more of the you that you are in being a mama and an artist and a writter and an interesting, fun person who makes my heart smile 
it’s interesting the timeing of things. i remeber struggling after marrying your crazie brother with who i was exactly. people kept calling me joshua’s wife, even introducing me as such 
and i remeber thinking that to these people ididn’t seem to exist that any one could be the person that they r pointing to! and later after becoming a mama, which i love more than any thing! i really struggled with finding time to be just me & then living here in provo, byu with the invisaible pressure that is here to be exactly the kind of mom & person these people think is right it was hard & it wasn’t untill i realized that i didn’t need to fit in & i really didn’t care what people thought of me that i was really happie with me. and with my kiddos it really helped when miriam was old enough to play with abe & i could get a few more moments to myself 
just recently i have finally figured out the kind of person & mama i want to be & mostly it just took being myself & going from there 
sorry for all the rambling 
i’m not sure i was trying to give advice because every one is different. but being your self is awesome! 
i love u! and garth & jack & gigi! 
i really liked ur post