xoelle » oh boy!

St Patrick’s day bow ties!

admin — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 03:08:06 +0000

Pinch-proof bow ties are now in the shop.

xo
elle

c’est fini.

admin — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 17:02:31 +0000

Brian’s gone. He packed his San Diego apartment and drove to Texas yesterday in his orangey Honda Element. I woke up at 5am to have breakfast with him at Denny’s before he hit the road. It was fitting. Our first date was in a Denny’s seven years ago. We had milkshakes and I wore brown wool pants.
We’ve spent the interum seven years alternately adoring and hurting one another. It was like a long twisted movie plot. Or a revolving door. We always came back together. We always shook until we fell apart. Two magnets attracting and repeling one another. It was maddening.
As I sat accross from him yesterday, having my hashed browns and oj, I felt so sublime. It’s over. The madness is over, and I am left with all good things. I stumbled with Brian learning how to love. He was my coccoon in so many ways. He was patient and kind when I was obsessive. He will remain dear to me.

The oh boy! category shall have no more entries I believe…as that is about all that I have to say about that. =)

love ya’ll, especially those of you who can gaze up at the ceiling and say, “mmmm, SO good” while biting into the 8th cookie in a row. You’re seriously something special.

elle. =)

there is no ish in this over.

admin — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 16:05:27 +0000

sorry for the long absence. I have been so present in my life this week that I have scarcely had time to process it’s events. My heart has changed. I feel different. This change has been happening for months, slowly, organically, transporting and incorporating molecules without my awareness, and I find myself in a new reality this week. My world has been reinvented. This is not monumental. Most of my artwork focuses on these changes. Our lives are built from tiny actions, and we travel through life contsantly making minor corrections in course that determine our destination. Fields are planted a seed at a time. What is monumental is how simple the transition was. Seven years of agonizing through this, and it ended so silently that I hardly noticed it. If I hadn’t already been aware that it was coming, I would have missed it completely.
*grin* I have been a little distracted by motorcycle rides and winks, but we can talk about that later.

Julia comes to visit me tonight! I can’t hardly contain my excitement!
loves all….you’re all super….and I love you….especially those of you who buy me aloe chunk juice.

xoxo
elleayeyouareaye

Plan C

admin — Fri, 02 Mar 2007 20:24:44 +0000

I’ve been neglecting my laundry; I have exactly two pairs of clean underwear left.
I’ve been neglecting my puppy; he’s been on only three brief walks in the past three days.
There are dishes in my sink that have been there for a week and I’ve been carrying around several letters that I keep intending to put into the mailbox.
I’ve been teaching. I’ve been subbing. I’ve been waiting tables. I’ve been leaving the apartment before 7am and not returning until after 9pm. I’ve thus been mostly preoccupied from the emotional events that have been transpiring. I hope that when they catch up with me they overtake me with flowing of a syrup river…and not the crashing of a tsunami wave. When faced with heartache in the past, I have felt suspended above it, as if I were a pear-halve preserved in sweet thick syrup. I prefer that to the times that I can remember heartache hijacking my mirth and planting a fake smile on my face that even complete strangers could detect.

Said emotional events:
Chris, a dear friend and affectionate stand-in, is moving away from San Diego on Sunday.
Brian, my on-again-off-again-ex-fiance-who-I-still-pine-over is moving to Texas sometime in the next month, and he is leaving unburdened by what I seem to have in spades: hope for the happy ending to our story.
The reason for many recent smiles and sighs of thanksgiving, a boy who I’ve recently been…umm…noticing, appears to be unavailable to me, despite flirtings to the contrary.
I’ve been called to be the Enrichment Counselor in the Relief Society Presidency of my singles ward… and while I don’t feel inadequate, I know that it’s going to be a challenge. It is a challenge that I asked for, however, since I’ve been praying about building and strengthening my connections to people. Careful kids, you get what you pray for. =)
My newest neice, Miriam, was born two weeks ago and am dying to meet her. (I also put a picture of my neices Kaitlyn and Samantha up on my fridge this week, and now everytime I get something to eat, my forehead gets all wrinkly and I say, “oh…I miss the girls!”) …..(thank goodness my sister is coming to visit me in about a week, my special supply of family love is running low since I haven’t seen a member of my family in about a month. =)
I’m increasingly worried about money. I’ve had this massive debt over my head for years and it’s not really getting smaller…in fact, it may be growing, but I am too afraid to calculate it. In tandem is the wonderful fact that my car is rattling and humming new tunes everyday and may break down at any stop sign or freeway exit. What an adventure.

One can only ache in heart insomuch as one has had joy in heart for that thing, so I am lucky to have love for Chris and Brian, for Mr. hello-i-might-be-perfect-for-you-
but-you-are-too-late-to-find-out, and my family. I am lucky to be challenged and feel both the thrill of success and the bitter determination to stand again after a failure. This is life, and as I become an adult (I still don’t think that I’m there yet), I’m finding such contentment with heartache and dissatisfaction and sometimes misery, because that means that I love strongly, that I have goals, desires and expectations, and that I take risks.

It’s all up to me, you know?
This weekend, I am looking forward to some well-deserved rest (that means more than 5 hours of sleep per night!), an enrichment night with the sweet sisters in my ward, and a rendez-vous with Nathan Ellis-Brown who’s band Minivan is taking LA by storm. =) Stay posted. Things could get even more emotional.

love all ya’ll!
elleayeyouareaye

lonely hearts club loses a member

admin — Sat, 17 Feb 2007 18:28:47 +0000

It was a ridiculous 80 degress outside yesterday so the lonely hearts club (chris Schuster and me) went to Pacific Beach and shared some pizza on the sand. This is why I love San Diego. It was like a mini vacation from our lives. Our friendship was born and blossomed in split-screen sadness, each of us pining for a lost or far-away love. We would stay up late at night alternatley whining or raving about the state of our individual love lives. We would offer distraction and affection in times of loneliness, frustration, or desperation. Chris is graduating from the lonely hearts club very soon. He’s moving to South Carolina to be a Navy recruiter and domestic live-in boyfriend to his super witty, charming and beautiful girlfriend, Michelle. Things are looking up for Mr. Chris Schuster.
These are his feet in the water above my sandy scrawl.

*hugs*
elle.

my efforts are gucking up San Diego streets

admin — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 15:21:24 +0000

Everywhere I drive nowadays I leave little drops of power steering fluid. My car is constantly dripping. In fact, I think that I’m going through more power steering fluid than gas. I took my car into the repair shop this weekend and crossed my fingers that it was a hose that was causing the leak. There wasn’t a chance in the world that it could be that easy. In fact, the repair was pricey enough that the grease-monkey technician (who’s name was Raul, and was actually very sweet) felt bad enough to let me leave the shop with all of my money intact. Rack and pinion. Amazing how something I’d only heard in some distant far away summer conversation with my Dad or brothers could cost me so much money. Actually, I think that I’m going to have to sell one of my lungs to pay for it (Scott, you want mine?) and in the meantime, am carrying around several quarts of ps fluid in my trunk. I imagine my little car zipping around this city, my money in the form of ps fluid slowly dripping out every second. It feels so familiar. Maybe my car is having sympathy spills. You see, I run around this city spilling the best of myself into someone who doesn’t catch a single ounce. There’s something so fruitless about my life right now because even though I am working hard and happy, all of the fruit that I’m producing is rotting on the ground, untouched. I am building a castle that I won’t be allowed to inhabit.
My car, Blue, will be repaired in the coming weeks. No estimated date on when my loving leakyness will be fixed, but all indicators point to soon. This year I didn’t make any concrete new years resolutions, but the phrases chase love and work hard have been on my mind. It’s time for me to invest my love in those people who’s love flows back to me. Time for the fruits of my labors to become pies of yumminess that will actually be enjoyed. Would you like a slice?

An accident waiting to happen.

admin — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 13:41:29 +0000

I almost got hit by a car crossing the street the other day because I was mesmerized by a sailor in his dress blues, driving by in his Jeep. Ever since I first saw Brian wearing his dress whites at his RTC graduation, I’ve been smitten by sailors. They stop me in my tracks. I’ll be walking through an airport terminal, lost in my own thoughts, when one will cross my path, and all of those thoughts unravel, my eyes widen, and I feel all warm inside. It’s ridiculous. I braced myself for an increase in these sightings when I moved to San Diego, but was still not prepared for the larger than life billboard for the Navy Reserve on Sports Arena Blvd. last night depicting two sailors looking stalwart and saluting. Oh boy am I in trouble. Maybe San Diego will furnish me with a map of all such distractions so that I can keep the roads safe for regular folk by avoiding such places.

elleayeyouarelovessailorsaye. =)

something remarkable.

admin — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 15:07:13 +0000

I want something remarkable to happen in my life. I am the poster child for living your life one step at a time- for process, for patience and diligence, but I am getting weary. I watched Scrooged and It’s a Wonderful Life over Thanksgiving vacation, and felt a little jealous! Where are the guardian angels and ghosts that will guide me to the perspective that I need? The lessons in that story are as simple as perspective. Scrooge was able to see who he was becoming. George Bailey was able to see the consequences of his sacrifices. What is it that I’m not seeing about my life?
I know that it’s time to “settle down” and start a family. Not because I’m 27. Not because all of my friends are married and having kids. Not because I’m worried that my looks are starting to go, but because I don’t want to do this alone. My life is brilliant. I am enjoying it. I love having 5 unhindered hours in the evening to paint and sew and bake (and I do! this is the most productive time my life has ever seen! more things are coming out of elle industries than ever before!), but I know in such a delicate way, that I am missing the point entirely. The central foundation stone in my life isn’t in place yet. These are my partying carefree years. This is the only time in my life when I get to care only about myself- and frankly, I’ve mastered it. I’m ready to move on to new challenges.
This is the remarkable that I’m hoping for. Love. And I want it in one giant scoop. With hot fudge and whipped cream and sprinkles. The big deal. The whole enchilada. Love. True love. =) It’s the one thing that’ll make this success complete. The only thing that could make my life more beautiful and perfect in all of it’s worry and complication and bliss. My arms are open to recieve it. Wide.

disclaimer: the following statement I wrote to expound my views on the efforts made for love. I believe it to be true. I pray that it is true. I am caught in the middle of a situation that will reveal it’s truth or untruth. Thus, it is said with faith rather than knowledge: the grace of love sanctifies sacrifices and efforts towards it’s end. Or in other words, the value of love is always worth the cost. Oh how I pray this is true as I am currently spending my last penny.

off to more making! Stockings are coming out of my ears!
elle. =)

this, I cannot express.

admin — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 00:52:32 +0000

Being home. Wrapped in sweaters but still getting a runny nose. Familiar Christmas movies. New wall colors. Same old yearnings.
I’m amazed at how even knowledge and years can’t erase the tactile presence of emotion in certain places. The elevator that housed so many hidden kisses, the hill coming into Spokane from the airport that reveals the city in one giant view, and the rooms where I’ve gown up and lived my life. Passing time has no hold on these places. I can return and feel as before, even in changing circumstance. That’s what makes it so comfortable. That’s what makes it home.
I’m here for the holiday, and my parents bought me a Tofurkey. That’s love.

more to come.

elle.

I’m reaching my limit.

admin — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 20:10:59 +0000

It’s been 30 days since I’ve hugged someone that I love. It’s been twice that long since I’ve squezed a member of my family. I’m feeling it. The 10 costumes that I’ve made this month have kept me busy enough not to calcualte these numbers or feel their impact, but with a holiday tommorrow, I am reminded why Spokane is so sublime to me. My parents will be operating thier Trick-or-Treat drive-thru that we piloted last year with great success, my nieces Kaitie and Sammy will be dressed up super cute, and my chihuahua, Bruno will be barking at every car that pulls into the driveway. I will be carving a pumpkin and watching Sleepy Hollow by candlelight after class. I can’t complain. It is sweet to be me. I’ve been happy here in San Diego since I moved in August- unexpectedly happy. I expected to be miserable here 1500 miles away from my family, counting my nickels to afford laundry soap, and spending 95% of my time alone. I was wrong. I have been carefree and skipping, reveling in the warmth of the sun on my face. I have been so glad to work hard and so eager to also take the time to go for little walks. I feel so alive when I’m walking.
This morning I woke up sans smile feeling like a fool. Not the good kind of fool that I thought I was- the one that is hopeful and silly, and almost childish in unwavering belief in love and beauty and truth. I woke up this morning the kind of fool that holds onto something that is not true. The kind of fool who twists her own world and sacrifices true fruit-bearing trees for something she heard whispered long ago. I’ve heard that sacrifice makes sacred. I have tested this in my own life and found it to be true. I woke this morning a fool who owns the most sacred of all untruths. My golden calf is made of brass.
And worse than that, it can’t love me back.
The most startling of all discoveries are those one makes within oneself.

Hugs coming in eight days.
Tofurkey in sixteen.
xoxo yo!

laura. =)